Worst Care Scenarios

I think there is something good about always expecting the worst.  When people and circumstances inevitably let you down, there is almost a sigh of relief like "ah I knew this would happen" or "I don't feel as bad about how things turned out" because I have been anticipating the worse all along. You are never disappointed and things are always "okay" no matter how bad it gets.  There is no end of the world feeling, because it could always be worse.  You could be stranded in the middle of nowhere and all you think is "this isn't so bad, at least it's not raining."

I guess the problem arises when things start going well for awhile.  You are in your ready mode to handle any crisis, but disaster never hits.  Instead of busily extinguishing fires, all distractions are removed and you are expected to be happy.  Isn't this what you have been dreaming of all along?  Except when you have finally made it, all you can anxiously think about is how life is trying to lull you into a false sense of security. That the moment you allow yourself to be truly happy and enjoy what you have, the universe will decide to snatch it all away from you.

So what do you do? You anticipate the worse and do not let yourself be happy. You are like a wild jungle man who has been removed from the Amazon and put into a comfortable life in civilized society.  You are sitting on a sofa, but the stress of an non-existent python jumping out is just killing you.  It would almost be better if you were back in the jungle and the snake did jump out, because that is what you know and what you can handle.  Everyone says they want peace and comfort, but for us worst-case-scenario thinkers out there, it is a lot harder to embrace than you would think.

For people who have lived in broken homes, were abused growing up or suffered a number of battle bruises the world can dish out....survival mode is all they know.  It is fight or flight and finding ways to hide and cope all day everyday.  When you live like that your whole life and one day your circumstances improve, can you really start to be happy?  How do you fully embrace peace, when all you know is business,  fire extinguishing and coping?  Are you sure the one who is making you miserable isn't yourself?

Now I won't say that my life has been so traumatic or anything like that. People go through much worse and I feel like I don't have much right to complain about anything. But what I do know is, the first step to coming out of survival mode is to stop hiding and be honest with yourself.

At times I've felt that I'm not entitled to express my grievances because they seem like nothing compared to those who have been brutally raped or abused by their family members.  And in many ways, this was my excuse to hide and avoid examining my own feelings.  Theodore Roosevelt once said that "comparison is the thief of joy."  Well for myself, comparison stole my truth and unvalidated my struggles.

I am still not sure where to go from here exactly, but I hope that I can find the courage to be honest and that God will lead me in the right direction from there.  Amen to that sistah! haha