Eating Disorders

The day I first noticed the hole, I was alone.

Though I suspected it had been growing for quite some time, the hunger gnawed at my sides especially today.

I craved everything and nothing in particular, but the impulse to fill myself was strong.

I emptied the pantry of its contents and began to eat and drink.  After a few minutes, I think I already knew that my futile attempts were not working.  But the T.V. was on and I was distracted.

A desperate thought crossed my mind -- If my stomach is full, maybe the gaping space would be plugged ever so slightly.

So I kept eating. And eating. And eating.

Until I felt sick and could take no more.
Until I felt dizzy and like throwing up.

I remember crying to myself quietly at the table. In front of the mound of half eaten scraps.

Guilt and hurt welled up inside and pour out as hot tears.
My chest heaved and I cried wholeheartedly without knowing why.

The garage door sounded and I scrambled to clean up the mess and dispose of the evidence.

The darkness that had surfaced quickly retreated back inside of me.

I went to my room to pretend to study.
But really, I was desperately trying to cover my hole.