Truly forgiving someone is something that I (and probably many others) have wrestled with for a long time. In the past, it was easy to convince myself that I had forgiven someone for a trespass when things were going well and it was not on my mind. But when the issue resurfaces in my head, as they inevitably do for over-thinkers like myself, I discover that there is still a lot of anger and hatred toward that person hiding inside of me.
Of course, growing up as an Asian American complicates the issue even further. For a long time, I did not even realize that I had been sweeping my real feelings under the rug because I did not think it was right or "appropriate" to have bad thoughts about others. I was raised in a way where my entire life was run by the "should"-principle, where it was always about where I should be and not where I am at. My goals were lofty and I was the tireless horse who never won the carrot.
However this never-good-enough attitude is not all bad. It is not the healthiest motivator, but I do think some credit for my good grades and work ethic should be attributed to it. But while it is possible to achieve a perfect score on a test, the same scale does not really apply to relationships. The mark of a good relationship is not about treading so carefully that you never make any ripples or step on any toes. In fact, conflict is necessary for growth and deepening friendship -- of course, this conflict has to be resolved in a healthy, open manner or else the bad feelings will fester and you either stay together with an unhealthy dynamic or walk your separate ways.
Now I know myself well enough to understand that I am not the type to tip-toe around people. When I have something on my mind, I will say it and I will say it to your face, so it is not a surprise that my main issue is how I deal with conflicts rather than how I avoid them.
Because I think of things in terms of how they "should" be rather than how they are, I have a tendency to idealize how relationships should go. When conflicts inevitably arise and I cannot seem to resolve it, I feel like a terrible failure. Oftentimes, I turn the situation into a test -- of my communication skills, my patience, my ability to empathize with others, etc. And when things do not go according to plan, I am upset, dumbfounded and bitter.
Now there are two famous idioms that say "it takes two to tango and two hands to clap" and I think that is something every type A personality should take to heart. In the midst of plowing forward with my "best effort", it is easy to forget that a conflict between two people is not a one-sided affair. Resolution takes cooperation and wondering what you did wrong to provoke such dislike or malcontent from the other person may inherently be the wrong question to ask. You can do everything in your power to communicate and be open, but sometimes the other person is just not willing to resolve things and you have to let that go.
So I threw out "let it go" in a very nonchalant manner in the last paragraph, but let's not take for granted the gravity of just how difficult letting go actually is, which is the whole topic of this post. This is something that I am still struggling with every day. When I think about some of the people I have broken relationships with even now, I am still unsure of how to start forgiving them and stop avoiding the issues that still hurt so much to think and talk about. I am so thankful for the wonderful and supportive people who make me feel safe and able to finally voice my thoughts and hidden pain. I am thankful for Highway that helped me get therapy and counseling to work through the scary place that my mind had become.
I did not know how murky the water was until it started clearing up.
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