Filled to the Brim

A while ago Seri told me that I needed to mourn over what I had lost in order to fully accept/embrace my life now, and I admit I didn't really understand what she meant. Now, I think I have an inkling.

When I look at the choices I've made in the past year and a half and all that has happened to me, I really have no regrets or hesitations about whether I made the right choice or not.  The fact that everything turned out above and beyond my expectation makes me feel blessed and (at times) undeserving of what I have.  And in a way, this thankfulness (though a great thing most of the time) also blind-sights me or makes me feel guilty to think about what I have "lost"by not making a different decision.

For example, this is often a daily phenomenon -- I see people, mostly my peers from school, posting about traveling to exotic places and starting cool new jobs on social media and I feel bad that I'm not doing the same. Then I feel frustrated at myself for feeling jealous, because I already have so much... aren't I just being greedy for wanting more?  I feel a deep guilt for many things: not happily embracing my role as a mom, the sense of loss of who I am and my own dreams, and wanting what others have when I already have so much.

Seri told me that whether a person works or stays home with their children, whatever life they choose to lead, it does not make one path more valuable than the other.  Though maybe I try to convince myself that just because I made the best choice for myself, that it somehow devalues everything else that "could have been." I think it is easier to live with yourself when you feel assured that your lifestyle is better than how other people have it, but when you consistently have that "the grass is greener" mentality, it just feels like an uncomfortable nagging feeling that doesn't go away.

I know that a lot of church moms believe that being a mother is the highest calling for a woman, but it is hard for me to accept that.  Whether it is because of how I was raised or what I've truly come to believe over time, I guess I want to believe I have a greater calling than bringing up Avery, however noble and wonderful it is.

I got a little sidetracked but I guess what I am trying to say is... The losses I feel are real and I think I understand why I need to take a hard look at what has happened and deal with my grief head on.  Though I am fully satisfied and filled to the brim by my new life with Ethan and Avery, I will not be able to fully embrace my role and truly appreciate what I have in front of me, until I make peace with the past.  It takes energy to resent people who have done me wrong, to be jealous of what others have, to continuously think about what could have been.  And if you add guilt on top of all of that (as well as acting as a block for me to face my real feelings), it really is a large burden indeed.

Dealing with all this won't be easy and the idea of opening my own mental pandora's box is a hair shy of terrifying. But at the end of the day, it must be done.  I think the only thing scarier than facing my processing my problems now is the idea of letting the mess fester for 15 years and then having them explode out of me because I just can't hold it in anymore.

.... And so this is where I am now.  Feeling down and blah and sometimes quite terrible. I'm moody and Ethan is putting up with it. Today in the shower, my heart really did feel like exploding, because it just hit me how good he is to me. Patiently keeping me company through all this.  Not getting angry back or taking it personally when I snap.

For the first time in my whole life, I think I understand what it means to have "my cup overflow" the way Pastor Dean described.  My heart is literally overflowing with love because someone cares for me and pours into me every. single. day.  I still feel terrible, but its so amazing I really feel like I can get through this.

The light is already peaking back at me from the end of this very long tunnel.