(Not sure what to call this one actually. "Searocks" sounds a little lame)
Fleeting "dreams" are whims that fade away.
A glistening sea rock by the shore, it cannot stay.
Oh how many sea rocks I've entertained for a day.
Only to be washed away...
By the gentlest of tides...
To my humbling dismay.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Eating Disorders
The day I first noticed the hole, I was alone.
Though I suspected it had been growing for quite some time, the hunger gnawed at my sides especially today.
I craved everything and nothing in particular, but the impulse to fill myself was strong.
I emptied the pantry of its contents and began to eat and drink. After a few minutes, I think I already knew that my futile attempts were not working. But the T.V. was on and I was distracted.
A desperate thought crossed my mind -- If my stomach is full, maybe the gaping space would be plugged ever so slightly.
So I kept eating. And eating. And eating.
Until I felt sick and could take no more.
Until I felt dizzy and like throwing up.
I remember crying to myself quietly at the table. In front of the mound of half eaten scraps.
Guilt and hurt welled up inside and pour out as hot tears.
My chest heaved and I cried wholeheartedly without knowing why.
The garage door sounded and I scrambled to clean up the mess and dispose of the evidence.
The darkness that had surfaced quickly retreated back inside of me.
I went to my room to pretend to study.
But really, I was desperately trying to cover my hole.
Though I suspected it had been growing for quite some time, the hunger gnawed at my sides especially today.
I craved everything and nothing in particular, but the impulse to fill myself was strong.
I emptied the pantry of its contents and began to eat and drink. After a few minutes, I think I already knew that my futile attempts were not working. But the T.V. was on and I was distracted.
A desperate thought crossed my mind -- If my stomach is full, maybe the gaping space would be plugged ever so slightly.
So I kept eating. And eating. And eating.
Until I felt sick and could take no more.
Until I felt dizzy and like throwing up.
I remember crying to myself quietly at the table. In front of the mound of half eaten scraps.
Guilt and hurt welled up inside and pour out as hot tears.
My chest heaved and I cried wholeheartedly without knowing why.
The garage door sounded and I scrambled to clean up the mess and dispose of the evidence.
The darkness that had surfaced quickly retreated back inside of me.
I went to my room to pretend to study.
But really, I was desperately trying to cover my hole.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Worst Care Scenarios
I think there is something good about always expecting the worst. When people and circumstances inevitably let you down, there is almost a sigh of relief like "ah I knew this would happen" or "I don't feel as bad about how things turned out" because I have been anticipating the worse all along. You are never disappointed and things are always "okay" no matter how bad it gets. There is no end of the world feeling, because it could always be worse. You could be stranded in the middle of nowhere and all you think is "this isn't so bad, at least it's not raining."
I guess the problem arises when things start going well for awhile. You are in your ready mode to handle any crisis, but disaster never hits. Instead of busily extinguishing fires, all distractions are removed and you are expected to be happy. Isn't this what you have been dreaming of all along? Except when you have finally made it, all you can anxiously think about is how life is trying to lull you into a false sense of security. That the moment you allow yourself to be truly happy and enjoy what you have, the universe will decide to snatch it all away from you.
So what do you do? You anticipate the worse and do not let yourself be happy. You are like a wild jungle man who has been removed from the Amazon and put into a comfortable life in civilized society. You are sitting on a sofa, but the stress of an non-existent python jumping out is just killing you. It would almost be better if you were back in the jungle and the snake did jump out, because that is what you know and what you can handle. Everyone says they want peace and comfort, but for us worst-case-scenario thinkers out there, it is a lot harder to embrace than you would think.
For people who have lived in broken homes, were abused growing up or suffered a number of battle bruises the world can dish out....survival mode is all they know. It is fight or flight and finding ways to hide and cope all day everyday. When you live like that your whole life and one day your circumstances improve, can you really start to be happy? How do you fully embrace peace, when all you know is business, fire extinguishing and coping? Are you sure the one who is making you miserable isn't yourself?
Now I won't say that my life has been so traumatic or anything like that. People go through much worse and I feel like I don't have much right to complain about anything. But what I do know is, the first step to coming out of survival mode is to stop hiding and be honest with yourself.
At times I've felt that I'm not entitled to express my grievances because they seem like nothing compared to those who have been brutally raped or abused by their family members. And in many ways, this was my excuse to hide and avoid examining my own feelings. Theodore Roosevelt once said that "comparison is the thief of joy." Well for myself, comparison stole my truth and unvalidated my struggles.
I am still not sure where to go from here exactly, but I hope that I can find the courage to be honest and that God will lead me in the right direction from there. Amen to that sistah! haha
I guess the problem arises when things start going well for awhile. You are in your ready mode to handle any crisis, but disaster never hits. Instead of busily extinguishing fires, all distractions are removed and you are expected to be happy. Isn't this what you have been dreaming of all along? Except when you have finally made it, all you can anxiously think about is how life is trying to lull you into a false sense of security. That the moment you allow yourself to be truly happy and enjoy what you have, the universe will decide to snatch it all away from you.
So what do you do? You anticipate the worse and do not let yourself be happy. You are like a wild jungle man who has been removed from the Amazon and put into a comfortable life in civilized society. You are sitting on a sofa, but the stress of an non-existent python jumping out is just killing you. It would almost be better if you were back in the jungle and the snake did jump out, because that is what you know and what you can handle. Everyone says they want peace and comfort, but for us worst-case-scenario thinkers out there, it is a lot harder to embrace than you would think.
For people who have lived in broken homes, were abused growing up or suffered a number of battle bruises the world can dish out....survival mode is all they know. It is fight or flight and finding ways to hide and cope all day everyday. When you live like that your whole life and one day your circumstances improve, can you really start to be happy? How do you fully embrace peace, when all you know is business, fire extinguishing and coping? Are you sure the one who is making you miserable isn't yourself?
Now I won't say that my life has been so traumatic or anything like that. People go through much worse and I feel like I don't have much right to complain about anything. But what I do know is, the first step to coming out of survival mode is to stop hiding and be honest with yourself.
At times I've felt that I'm not entitled to express my grievances because they seem like nothing compared to those who have been brutally raped or abused by their family members. And in many ways, this was my excuse to hide and avoid examining my own feelings. Theodore Roosevelt once said that "comparison is the thief of joy." Well for myself, comparison stole my truth and unvalidated my struggles.
I am still not sure where to go from here exactly, but I hope that I can find the courage to be honest and that God will lead me in the right direction from there. Amen to that sistah! haha
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Filled to the Brim
A while ago Seri told me that I needed to mourn over what I had lost in order to fully accept/embrace my life now, and I admit I didn't really understand what she meant. Now, I think I have an inkling.
When I look at the choices I've made in the past year and a half and all that has happened to me, I really have no regrets or hesitations about whether I made the right choice or not. The fact that everything turned out above and beyond my expectation makes me feel blessed and (at times) undeserving of what I have. And in a way, this thankfulness (though a great thing most of the time) also blind-sights me or makes me feel guilty to think about what I have "lost"by not making a different decision.
For example, this is often a daily phenomenon -- I see people, mostly my peers from school, posting about traveling to exotic places and starting cool new jobs on social media and I feel bad that I'm not doing the same. Then I feel frustrated at myself for feeling jealous, because I already have so much... aren't I just being greedy for wanting more? I feel a deep guilt for many things: not happily embracing my role as a mom, the sense of loss of who I am and my own dreams, and wanting what others have when I already have so much.
Seri told me that whether a person works or stays home with their children, whatever life they choose to lead, it does not make one path more valuable than the other. Though maybe I try to convince myself that just because I made the best choice for myself, that it somehow devalues everything else that "could have been." I think it is easier to live with yourself when you feel assured that your lifestyle is better than how other people have it, but when you consistently have that "the grass is greener" mentality, it just feels like an uncomfortable nagging feeling that doesn't go away.
I know that a lot of church moms believe that being a mother is the highest calling for a woman, but it is hard for me to accept that. Whether it is because of how I was raised or what I've truly come to believe over time, I guess I want to believe I have a greater calling than bringing up Avery, however noble and wonderful it is.
I got a little sidetracked but I guess what I am trying to say is... The losses I feel are real and I think I understand why I need to take a hard look at what has happened and deal with my grief head on. Though I am fully satisfied and filled to the brim by my new life with Ethan and Avery, I will not be able to fully embrace my role and truly appreciate what I have in front of me, until I make peace with the past. It takes energy to resent people who have done me wrong, to be jealous of what others have, to continuously think about what could have been. And if you add guilt on top of all of that (as well as acting as a block for me to face my real feelings), it really is a large burden indeed.
Dealing with all this won't be easy and the idea of opening my own mental pandora's box is a hair shy of terrifying. But at the end of the day, it must be done. I think the only thing scarier than facing my processing my problems now is the idea of letting the mess fester for 15 years and then having them explode out of me because I just can't hold it in anymore.
.... And so this is where I am now. Feeling down and blah and sometimes quite terrible. I'm moody and Ethan is putting up with it. Today in the shower, my heart really did feel like exploding, because it just hit me how good he is to me. Patiently keeping me company through all this. Not getting angry back or taking it personally when I snap.
For the first time in my whole life, I think I understand what it means to have "my cup overflow" the way Pastor Dean described. My heart is literally overflowing with love because someone cares for me and pours into me every. single. day. I still feel terrible, but its so amazing I really feel like I can get through this.
The light is already peaking back at me from the end of this very long tunnel.
When I look at the choices I've made in the past year and a half and all that has happened to me, I really have no regrets or hesitations about whether I made the right choice or not. The fact that everything turned out above and beyond my expectation makes me feel blessed and (at times) undeserving of what I have. And in a way, this thankfulness (though a great thing most of the time) also blind-sights me or makes me feel guilty to think about what I have "lost"by not making a different decision.
For example, this is often a daily phenomenon -- I see people, mostly my peers from school, posting about traveling to exotic places and starting cool new jobs on social media and I feel bad that I'm not doing the same. Then I feel frustrated at myself for feeling jealous, because I already have so much... aren't I just being greedy for wanting more? I feel a deep guilt for many things: not happily embracing my role as a mom, the sense of loss of who I am and my own dreams, and wanting what others have when I already have so much.
Seri told me that whether a person works or stays home with their children, whatever life they choose to lead, it does not make one path more valuable than the other. Though maybe I try to convince myself that just because I made the best choice for myself, that it somehow devalues everything else that "could have been." I think it is easier to live with yourself when you feel assured that your lifestyle is better than how other people have it, but when you consistently have that "the grass is greener" mentality, it just feels like an uncomfortable nagging feeling that doesn't go away.
I know that a lot of church moms believe that being a mother is the highest calling for a woman, but it is hard for me to accept that. Whether it is because of how I was raised or what I've truly come to believe over time, I guess I want to believe I have a greater calling than bringing up Avery, however noble and wonderful it is.
I got a little sidetracked but I guess what I am trying to say is... The losses I feel are real and I think I understand why I need to take a hard look at what has happened and deal with my grief head on. Though I am fully satisfied and filled to the brim by my new life with Ethan and Avery, I will not be able to fully embrace my role and truly appreciate what I have in front of me, until I make peace with the past. It takes energy to resent people who have done me wrong, to be jealous of what others have, to continuously think about what could have been. And if you add guilt on top of all of that (as well as acting as a block for me to face my real feelings), it really is a large burden indeed.
Dealing with all this won't be easy and the idea of opening my own mental pandora's box is a hair shy of terrifying. But at the end of the day, it must be done. I think the only thing scarier than facing my processing my problems now is the idea of letting the mess fester for 15 years and then having them explode out of me because I just can't hold it in anymore.
.... And so this is where I am now. Feeling down and blah and sometimes quite terrible. I'm moody and Ethan is putting up with it. Today in the shower, my heart really did feel like exploding, because it just hit me how good he is to me. Patiently keeping me company through all this. Not getting angry back or taking it personally when I snap.
For the first time in my whole life, I think I understand what it means to have "my cup overflow" the way Pastor Dean described. My heart is literally overflowing with love because someone cares for me and pours into me every. single. day. I still feel terrible, but its so amazing I really feel like I can get through this.
The light is already peaking back at me from the end of this very long tunnel.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Thoughts on Forgiveness and the dangers of Idealism
Truly forgiving someone is something that I (and probably many others) have wrestled with for a long time. In the past, it was easy to convince myself that I had forgiven someone for a trespass when things were going well and it was not on my mind. But when the issue resurfaces in my head, as they inevitably do for over-thinkers like myself, I discover that there is still a lot of anger and hatred toward that person hiding inside of me.
Of course, growing up as an Asian American complicates the issue even further. For a long time, I did not even realize that I had been sweeping my real feelings under the rug because I did not think it was right or "appropriate" to have bad thoughts about others. I was raised in a way where my entire life was run by the "should"-principle, where it was always about where I should be and not where I am at. My goals were lofty and I was the tireless horse who never won the carrot.
However this never-good-enough attitude is not all bad. It is not the healthiest motivator, but I do think some credit for my good grades and work ethic should be attributed to it. But while it is possible to achieve a perfect score on a test, the same scale does not really apply to relationships. The mark of a good relationship is not about treading so carefully that you never make any ripples or step on any toes. In fact, conflict is necessary for growth and deepening friendship -- of course, this conflict has to be resolved in a healthy, open manner or else the bad feelings will fester and you either stay together with an unhealthy dynamic or walk your separate ways.
Now I know myself well enough to understand that I am not the type to tip-toe around people. When I have something on my mind, I will say it and I will say it to your face, so it is not a surprise that my main issue is how I deal with conflicts rather than how I avoid them.
Because I think of things in terms of how they "should" be rather than how they are, I have a tendency to idealize how relationships should go. When conflicts inevitably arise and I cannot seem to resolve it, I feel like a terrible failure. Oftentimes, I turn the situation into a test -- of my communication skills, my patience, my ability to empathize with others, etc. And when things do not go according to plan, I am upset, dumbfounded and bitter.
Now there are two famous idioms that say "it takes two to tango and two hands to clap" and I think that is something every type A personality should take to heart. In the midst of plowing forward with my "best effort", it is easy to forget that a conflict between two people is not a one-sided affair. Resolution takes cooperation and wondering what you did wrong to provoke such dislike or malcontent from the other person may inherently be the wrong question to ask. You can do everything in your power to communicate and be open, but sometimes the other person is just not willing to resolve things and you have to let that go.
So I threw out "let it go" in a very nonchalant manner in the last paragraph, but let's not take for granted the gravity of just how difficult letting go actually is, which is the whole topic of this post. This is something that I am still struggling with every day. When I think about some of the people I have broken relationships with even now, I am still unsure of how to start forgiving them and stop avoiding the issues that still hurt so much to think and talk about. I am so thankful for the wonderful and supportive people who make me feel safe and able to finally voice my thoughts and hidden pain. I am thankful for Highway that helped me get therapy and counseling to work through the scary place that my mind had become.
I did not know how murky the water was until it started clearing up.
Of course, growing up as an Asian American complicates the issue even further. For a long time, I did not even realize that I had been sweeping my real feelings under the rug because I did not think it was right or "appropriate" to have bad thoughts about others. I was raised in a way where my entire life was run by the "should"-principle, where it was always about where I should be and not where I am at. My goals were lofty and I was the tireless horse who never won the carrot.
However this never-good-enough attitude is not all bad. It is not the healthiest motivator, but I do think some credit for my good grades and work ethic should be attributed to it. But while it is possible to achieve a perfect score on a test, the same scale does not really apply to relationships. The mark of a good relationship is not about treading so carefully that you never make any ripples or step on any toes. In fact, conflict is necessary for growth and deepening friendship -- of course, this conflict has to be resolved in a healthy, open manner or else the bad feelings will fester and you either stay together with an unhealthy dynamic or walk your separate ways.
Now I know myself well enough to understand that I am not the type to tip-toe around people. When I have something on my mind, I will say it and I will say it to your face, so it is not a surprise that my main issue is how I deal with conflicts rather than how I avoid them.
Because I think of things in terms of how they "should" be rather than how they are, I have a tendency to idealize how relationships should go. When conflicts inevitably arise and I cannot seem to resolve it, I feel like a terrible failure. Oftentimes, I turn the situation into a test -- of my communication skills, my patience, my ability to empathize with others, etc. And when things do not go according to plan, I am upset, dumbfounded and bitter.
Now there are two famous idioms that say "it takes two to tango and two hands to clap" and I think that is something every type A personality should take to heart. In the midst of plowing forward with my "best effort", it is easy to forget that a conflict between two people is not a one-sided affair. Resolution takes cooperation and wondering what you did wrong to provoke such dislike or malcontent from the other person may inherently be the wrong question to ask. You can do everything in your power to communicate and be open, but sometimes the other person is just not willing to resolve things and you have to let that go.
So I threw out "let it go" in a very nonchalant manner in the last paragraph, but let's not take for granted the gravity of just how difficult letting go actually is, which is the whole topic of this post. This is something that I am still struggling with every day. When I think about some of the people I have broken relationships with even now, I am still unsure of how to start forgiving them and stop avoiding the issues that still hurt so much to think and talk about. I am so thankful for the wonderful and supportive people who make me feel safe and able to finally voice my thoughts and hidden pain. I am thankful for Highway that helped me get therapy and counseling to work through the scary place that my mind had become.
I did not know how murky the water was until it started clearing up.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Selfies
Back in the good old college days (actually not that long ago), I followed the popular trend and took a few selfies myself. However since the advent of becoming a parent, issues I used to take for granted such as what our culture believes about projected image and where human value lies suddenly seem overwhelmingly important.
My little baby burrito just turned 7 months recently and each day my protective feelings toward her only grow as I realize the unsuspecting dangers and silent influences that may shape her entire outlook on life as she grows into herself (and away from me). And today, I just had the thought of how very uncomfortable the idea of taking a selfie is to me all of a sudden.
Why do people spend hours in a room or wherever taking countless pictures of themselves and then upload one (with the perfect angle and lighting) onto social media so that everyone can see a blown up picture of them taking up half their FB page? I mean, that is exactly what a selfie is right? You're not at a Giants game and its not your graduation... you aren't taking a picture with friends and family. It is literally just a giant picture of yourself of YOU which you just wasted a quarter of your day taking. That everyone can see. Why do people need to see that again?
So my gut reaction to this is really just: people who take selfies are vain and stupid. But then again I don't like that answer because I would just be calling myself vain and stupid, because I used to take selfies as well.
Upon some more reflection, I think the issue lies deeper than my initial judgement (as it almost always does). Today I happened to listen to a radio show from Focus on the Family about Breaking the Busyness Habit and they hit on something very interesting. The show host said that one of the big problems with American culture is that we live in a culture of self-promotion. Because of mediums such as social media, the need to be constantly doing something (or at least appearing to be "busy") has become an integral tool in our never-ending goal of projecting the perfect image.
Now personally I think selfies are in one extreme. There is nothing wrong with taking pictures to preserve a memory or share what is going on in your life with friends. What I find uncomfortable and slightly offensive when this "sharing" becomes thoughtless, excessive and devoid of any meaningful content. For example, taking 20 pictures of your smoked salmon bagel and starbucks-hashtag-100happydays-hashtag-ImsoBlessedtohavefood and uploading that shit every other day. This is as bad as taking and uploading selfies and I roll my eyes at you.
We are all imperfect human beings and the pressure to have an instagram-perfect life is a sad illusion. Instead of taking time to look outward and consider the people around us, the idea of staying home and taking selfies is far more alluring at times. True relationships take hard work and we run the risk of people seeing who we really are -- including the blemishes and cracks that don't exist in the world of photoshop and filters. We project the image of beauty, busy and accomplished because we fear the world will reject us if we are vulnerable and honest about our real feelings.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for the day. I know I sound cynical and mean at points, but I'm guilty of the same things in my life. I'm only now starting to realize how unrealistic and impractical my personal standards are. I am harsh with myself for failing to meet my goals and then I try to hide my failures from others all the time. But in the end, we are all human and we all need grace...both for others and ourselves.
In the words of AA's famous 12 step program: "progress not perfection!" Let's move forward together! Hi-ho!
My little baby burrito just turned 7 months recently and each day my protective feelings toward her only grow as I realize the unsuspecting dangers and silent influences that may shape her entire outlook on life as she grows into herself (and away from me). And today, I just had the thought of how very uncomfortable the idea of taking a selfie is to me all of a sudden.
Why do people spend hours in a room or wherever taking countless pictures of themselves and then upload one (with the perfect angle and lighting) onto social media so that everyone can see a blown up picture of them taking up half their FB page? I mean, that is exactly what a selfie is right? You're not at a Giants game and its not your graduation... you aren't taking a picture with friends and family. It is literally just a giant picture of yourself of YOU which you just wasted a quarter of your day taking. That everyone can see. Why do people need to see that again?
So my gut reaction to this is really just: people who take selfies are vain and stupid. But then again I don't like that answer because I would just be calling myself vain and stupid, because I used to take selfies as well.
Upon some more reflection, I think the issue lies deeper than my initial judgement (as it almost always does). Today I happened to listen to a radio show from Focus on the Family about Breaking the Busyness Habit and they hit on something very interesting. The show host said that one of the big problems with American culture is that we live in a culture of self-promotion. Because of mediums such as social media, the need to be constantly doing something (or at least appearing to be "busy") has become an integral tool in our never-ending goal of projecting the perfect image.
Now personally I think selfies are in one extreme. There is nothing wrong with taking pictures to preserve a memory or share what is going on in your life with friends. What I find uncomfortable and slightly offensive when this "sharing" becomes thoughtless, excessive and devoid of any meaningful content. For example, taking 20 pictures of your smoked salmon bagel and starbucks-hashtag-100happydays-hashtag-ImsoBlessedtohavefood and uploading that shit every other day. This is as bad as taking and uploading selfies and I roll my eyes at you.
We are all imperfect human beings and the pressure to have an instagram-perfect life is a sad illusion. Instead of taking time to look outward and consider the people around us, the idea of staying home and taking selfies is far more alluring at times. True relationships take hard work and we run the risk of people seeing who we really are -- including the blemishes and cracks that don't exist in the world of photoshop and filters. We project the image of beauty, busy and accomplished because we fear the world will reject us if we are vulnerable and honest about our real feelings.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for the day. I know I sound cynical and mean at points, but I'm guilty of the same things in my life. I'm only now starting to realize how unrealistic and impractical my personal standards are. I am harsh with myself for failing to meet my goals and then I try to hide my failures from others all the time. But in the end, we are all human and we all need grace...both for others and ourselves.
In the words of AA's famous 12 step program: "progress not perfection!" Let's move forward together! Hi-ho!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Cosplay Spotlight: Are Dota 2 Characters TOO Fantastical?
Some old Englishman back in the day once asked, "Can too much of a good thing be bad?" Well, I personally think this is a very good question to ask Valve as Dota 2 fandom everywhere struggle to achieve their cosplay dreams. Now for the dedicated PC gamer, the intricately designed Dota 2 animation is a dream come true. From the steely-eyed Luna to the grotesque-but-lovable Pudge, Valve game designers spared no effort in making the characters of Dota 2 both unique and fantastical down to the last detail. However, with such a high bar set on character appearance, is it even POSSIBLE for the average fan to mimic these out-of-this-world heroes? As staunch fans of this game, how can we cope with inadequate representation of our beloved heroes at tournaments and gaming conventions?
Now to make sense of where I am coming from with all of this, let me back track to what inspired me to write this cosplay spotlight in the first place. It all happened by chance as I was surfing youtube for Dota content. With Fanime 2014 around the corner, I also happened to be on the look out for cosplaying ideas when I stumbled onto this ridiculousness...
So if you are wondering (like any sane person) what in Zeuses-name you just witnessed, these micro-videos are from a series called "Shitty Cosplays" by some online dude named TheSunBladeReapers. Obviously an enthusiastic fan, this guy decides to show his support by donning his own rendition of his favorite heroes. However, other than being absolutely hilarious, you may notice some obvious flaws with his character portrayal.
Anyways, my first reaction to these ghetto-fabulous cosplays was: Wow, these are REALLY TERRIBLE. I got some laughs out of this, but the costumes are still REALLY REALLY BAD.
But then I got to thinking and hit a wall. I mean, how would someone actually go about looking like a Dota character?? If you wanted to dress up as Venomancer, you would need a crazy green snake suit. Or to even have some resemblance to Troll Warlord, you would have to paint your whole body red, not even taking the rest of the outfit/weaponry into account.
After doing a quick online search, this was literally the BEST Pudge cosplay I found on Google Images and he looks RETARDED. No offense.
Anyways, MY POINT IS... Dota 2 characters look too darn fantastical (which is awesome) but it makes cosplaying them a monumental challenge that few have been able to overcome successfully ): Boo hoo!
Nevertheless, definite props to Shitty Cosplays guy for trying. Here is a link to his page if you want to watch the rest of him in his banana-wielding splendor (which I definitely recommend!).
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCX5LMU6sZ0y1CJxbt0wMUFQ
Now taking a step back, I have to admit that there are GOOD Dota 2 cosplays out there. At G-Star Global Game Exhibition 2013, a host of professional cosplayers took the stage in beautiful renditions of Crystal Maiden, Wind Ranger, Templar Assassin and more!
With such elaborate costume design and attention to the most minute detail, watching these devoted fans take the stage is definitely something to behold. For a super nerd like me, being able to see my favorite fantasy characters take physical form is absolutely cause for both a quickening heart rate and excessive salivating.
However, (sadly) the key word in all of this is professional cosplay! Sure, these costumes look sexy and freakin' awesome, but if any schmuck goes online and searches up how much it actually costs to order these costumes from a China sweat shop/online store, they will see it can easily cost from a few hundred up to the thousands (especially for the armored costumes)! http://www.cosplayhouse.com/Dota.html
Now for the average joe-anna like myself, I really don't want to be spending $1200 for a Warlock costume if you know what I mean. So what am I left to do exactly?
Well, a few avid fans out there have opted to constructing their own Dota 2 costumes!
From Templar Assassin make-up tutorials...
To carefully constructed home-made creations....
When you look at popular Japanese Anime such as Naruto or Bleach, their fans go absolutely INSANE with their cosplaying! Even in the sports arena, Oakland Raiders fans are known for their "fanatically" disruptive behavior and over-the-top Raider outfits! With Dota 2 gaining such a startling and intense following not even a year after its initial release date...speaks volumes for the overall success of the game.
Looking in a similar arena, more established PC games such as League of Legends and Starcraft II are known for their impressive cosplay culture. The fact that Dota 2 is already attracting this kind of fanatic dress-up behavior shows that Valve is taking great strides in legitimizing Dota as a new giant in the global gaming scene.
Valve, you sly bastards... You sucked me into your game with wily ways! Cannot believe the International Prize Pool broke 6 MIL already!
I'll be slaving away, sewing my giant snake suit now... LOL
Now to make sense of where I am coming from with all of this, let me back track to what inspired me to write this cosplay spotlight in the first place. It all happened by chance as I was surfing youtube for Dota content. With Fanime 2014 around the corner, I also happened to be on the look out for cosplaying ideas when I stumbled onto this ridiculousness...
Anyways, my first reaction to these ghetto-fabulous cosplays was: Wow, these are REALLY TERRIBLE. I got some laughs out of this, but the costumes are still REALLY REALLY BAD.
But then I got to thinking and hit a wall. I mean, how would someone actually go about looking like a Dota character?? If you wanted to dress up as Venomancer, you would need a crazy green snake suit. Or to even have some resemblance to Troll Warlord, you would have to paint your whole body red, not even taking the rest of the outfit/weaponry into account.
After doing a quick online search, this was literally the BEST Pudge cosplay I found on Google Images and he looks RETARDED. No offense.
That's like if I posted this picture of my shirtless baby, edited a hook and meat cleaver into her hands, and said she was Pudge... And very cute Pudge she is, hehe <3
Oy, Fresh Meat~!!
Nevertheless, definite props to Shitty Cosplays guy for trying. Here is a link to his page if you want to watch the rest of him in his banana-wielding splendor (which I definitely recommend!).
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCX5LMU6sZ0y1CJxbt0wMUFQ
Now taking a step back, I have to admit that there are GOOD Dota 2 cosplays out there. At G-Star Global Game Exhibition 2013, a host of professional cosplayers took the stage in beautiful renditions of Crystal Maiden, Wind Ranger, Templar Assassin and more!
However, (sadly) the key word in all of this is professional cosplay! Sure, these costumes look sexy and freakin' awesome, but if any schmuck goes online and searches up how much it actually costs to order these costumes from a China sweat shop/online store, they will see it can easily cost from a few hundred up to the thousands (especially for the armored costumes)! http://www.cosplayhouse.com/Dota.html
Now for the average joe-anna like myself, I really don't want to be spending $1200 for a Warlock costume if you know what I mean. So what am I left to do exactly?
Well, a few avid fans out there have opted to constructing their own Dota 2 costumes!
From Templar Assassin make-up tutorials...
To carefully constructed home-made creations....
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| Bloodseeker (this dude looks supremely scary IMO...) |
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| Meepo (very cute!) |
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| Shadow Shaman (I feel sorry for this guy when he has to rip off all that tape...) |
There's no doubt that the Dota 2 fandom is gaining momentum :) The very definition of being a "fanatic" is to go crazy for whatever your passion is...and I think the cosplay culture (dressing up in what may be perceived as a "silly" costume) is the embodiment of that idea.
When you look at popular Japanese Anime such as Naruto or Bleach, their fans go absolutely INSANE with their cosplaying! Even in the sports arena, Oakland Raiders fans are known for their "fanatically" disruptive behavior and over-the-top Raider outfits! With Dota 2 gaining such a startling and intense following not even a year after its initial release date...speaks volumes for the overall success of the game.
Looking in a similar arena, more established PC games such as League of Legends and Starcraft II are known for their impressive cosplay culture. The fact that Dota 2 is already attracting this kind of fanatic dress-up behavior shows that Valve is taking great strides in legitimizing Dota as a new giant in the global gaming scene.
Valve, you sly bastards... You sucked me into your game with wily ways! Cannot believe the International Prize Pool broke 6 MIL already!
I'll be slaving away, sewing my giant snake suit now... LOL
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